I AM NOT A NICE PERSON

For as long as I can remember, I have never thought of myself as a nice person. I mean, I don't break any major laws or try to harm people, but in general, I am a moody guy that likes to get my own way. If I don't, then I can be difficult to live with.

The cool thing is that I have a lot of friends (and I mean really good ones) and a family that really love me. I have a job that rewards me by promoting me. However, I cannot shake this underlying feeling that I don't have anything to really offer anyone. I have the fear that if people knew the real me then they wouldn't like who I am, or worse yet, reject me. The weird thing is that I am pretty much myself all the time. What you see is what you get, or is it? I would hope so, but I am not even sure if I know the real me.

Now, I can't say that the relationships that I have are unconditional. I mean, I am sure that the people that I mentioned above love me unconditionally, but if I stopped being the me that they love, I don't know what would happen. I don't think that they would quit loving me, but if I became a real jerk (like the kind of jerks we talk about and we avoid), I would probably be avoided.

Now, as I understand it, God loves me unconditionally just as I am. I can't help but thinking that this relationship is the same as all other relationships in this life. The kicker is that I feel His love more abundantly when I am completely empty inside. When I am by myself with my thoughts and I stand before Him with empty hands, a broken heart, and a feeling that I have let Him down, that is when I feel Him tug me closer to Him. This has never come from my following a set of rules, by being religious, or by trying to perform so that I can somehow please God into shining more light on me. The light has always been the brightest when I have been at the bottom of the darkest holes of my own doing, when I have finally thrown down my defenses and said, "here I am. I am empty."

Till next time...
J