Whispering a Prayer

As I pulled into the garage at work this morning, I realized that there were still tears in my eyes from the drive in. I had just left my daughter at school. The night before and this morning, my wife and I gave her a good pep talk about being a big girl and not crying when daddy goes to work. Her teacher told her yesterday that she was counting on her to be a big girl and not cry when daddy was going to work. She is trying to help.

When I get her to the school, I always walk her in to her class, or in this case, the cafeteria. She was being a big girl until I told her that I have to go to work. She was trying to be so brave, but the tears came. "Daddy, I want you to stay. I want to be with you." I am ashamed that I get so frustrated with her because I really have to get to work. "Daddy, I just want to be with you. Please, stay."

As I walk out of the building, I wave to her while she stands in the window and waves to me. "WHEW! I am glad that is over."

So, I get into my truck and turn on some good tunes on my iPOD. As I am driving to the office, I begin to think about 5 minutes earlier. I am listening to Steve Vai playing a song called "Whispering a Prayer." Steve is a pagan, but sure can play guitar. This song is particularly moving. It starts slow with a weeping guitar and builds into a massive climax of the guitar crying out its prayer.

Then the tears came...

I don't know if I was crying out of sadness that my daugther felt, or of the sadness that I felt because I know that someday she will hardly have time for me. Maybe I was crying at the absence of a father that left my mom and his kids before I turned two. I am told that I used to stand at the door crying for my daddy, but I don't remember it. Maybe I was crying because deep down what I feel every morning is "God, I have to go face the world today. I have to face people that are going to do their best to knock me down. Daddy, I just want to stay with you awhile." I hear him say through the tears and the music, "There is work to do. There is my work to do. Now, go and do it, but know that I am with you every step of the way. If you fall down, I will pick you back up."

"But, Daddy, I just want to stay with you for awhile where it is safe." But I feel Him gently nudging me out the door the way that I nudge my daughter to stay and face her world. "By the way, you'll be ok," He says.

And the tears continue to flow as I write this...

J

what is wrong with this guy???

Irresponsible statements like this one drive me crazy. I really don't have the words to describe what I am thinking about this. Can anyone tell me one point in scripture where Jesus says to assinate someone because they may lead a nation to the wrong beliefs? The thing that really ticks me off is that a few years ago, I probably would have agreed with it.

My wish...

I spend a lot of my time thinking about me and how I can make my life better. I demand that my boss gives me the promotion that I earned so that I can make more money to buy stuff that I want. More stuff, bigger house, better cars, better schools, better clothes, better restaurants, better entertainment. Of course, I ususally want this in my own time.

The kicker is that I hate this about myself.

I wish that I could think of and do for others more than I do for myself. How awesome would it be to live an unselfish lifestyle? Is it possible? I don't know, but that is my wish.

The problem is not being wrong...

The problem is with thinking that I have a monopoly on being right. I don't believe that being right is wrong, and I also don't believe that there isn't a right and wrong.

I believe that my understanding of the Bible is that the following things are wrong... murder, sexual perversion, drunkenness, idolatry, greed, jealousy, sexual immorality, etc. The list goes on and on, but here's the kicker... who among us is not guilty of each of these on a regular basis? I know you must be thinking that murder is a stretch, but Jesus said that if someone hates his brother then he is guilty of murder in his heart. He also said that if a man looks at a woman lustfully, then he is guilty of adultery in his heart. I am guilty as charged on all of the above listed sins. So, how can I sit in judgment when others get it wrong, too? I don't believe that Christians are called to fix people. They are called to serve people. Jesus told Peter, "If you love me, then feed my children. That which you do to the least of these, you do unto me." That is a heavy statement. How many times have I ignored the homeless, hungry, poor and oppressed all because of a self-righteous idea that they should just do better for themselves? If they were hard working conservatives like me, they would just sober up, go to school and get a better job. How self-righteous and condemning? Jesus, save me from myself.

What I really think is that I have been a Christian for a long time, but Jesus is now getting a hold of me and calling me to love and serve, but not just for people in the church.

"The good that I want to do, I do not do. The bad that I don't want to do, I keep doing." - the apostle Paul

I'm tired of needing to be right...

This has been one crappy week. I have had thoughts of my faith and beliefs running through my head. My conclusion so far is that Christianity is a problem. When asked to give a defense, I usually resort to the usual arguments trying to prove that I am right and that those that don't believe in Christianity (or my version of it) are wrong. I have been so consumed with being right in my life that it has cost me more than it has helped. It still causes me problems. No matter what, when I am in a discussion and take a differing view than someone else, I am going to keep going and going and going until I either PROVE that I am RIGHT, or beat the other person into submission. It has alienated friends, created enemies, and cost me financially.

I want to back up for a moment and explain what I mean by Christianity is a problem. What I mean is that a lot of things are done in the name of Christianity that have nothing to do with Christ. For example, the people that hold the signs, "God hates Fags" at the funeral of a homosexual that has been beaten to death because of his homosexuality. What about the guy that shoots down the abortion doctor. Let's not forget the televangelists with the vertical hair talking and crying about God while reaching into the purses and wallets of the gullible and lonely. It goes without saying that the crusades were horrendous.

What about standard mainstream denominations? The Baptists that believe that ALL Catholics are going to hell because they might pray to a saint or to the Virgin Mary or have statues in their churches? What about the Pentecostals that believe the Baptists are going to hell because they don't speak in tongues? Or the Church of Christ people that believe everyone is going to hell that aren't Church of Christ?

We all are killing ourselves by trying to be right.
"King James only!"
"You must speak in tongues to prove your salvation."
"You must never speak in tongues!"
"Women must wear pants and not cut their hair."
"You have to keep all the Commandments."
"Lord's supper every week!'
"Baptism by immersion!"
"Salvation only after baptism."
"Once saved, always saved."
"You can lose your salvation."
"We were predestined."
"Man has libertarian free will."
"Pre-trib rapture"
"Post-trib rapture."
"Amillenialist."
"Don't drink!"
"Gambling is evil!"


Tired yet? Me, too. I am so damn tired trying to be right all the time. Argument after argument. High blood pressure. Headaches. Sore throat. Enough already.

Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God with all your heart, soul and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. I have forgotten to love because I need to be right. Jesus never once asked a sinner what his theological position was. If He asked us, we would all have it wrong somewhere.

"Where are those accusers that condem you?"
"They are gone."
"Then neither do I. Leave your life of sin."

I for one am going to try to focus on Jesus and not on being right.

Well, I've done it again. I have managed to run off another boss. This time it only took 2 months. Oh sure, he is saying that he was presented with an offer that he can't refuse because the new job will mean he is closer to his family, but he can't fool me. It is me, isn't it? This is the 5th boss that I have disposed of in 8 years.

Ok, so what's the big deal? Well, if you read the first blog, you may remember how I am tired of having to start over everytime time I get a new boss and that my previous boss had promised to promoted me in the August/September time frame. Then, he left. Then I had to explain it to my new boss. Now he is leaving. I have no clue as to whom I will report to next. I am sure however that it means that I won't get the promotion. I won't get the raise. I will have to sell my house and go on food stamps because I will not make enough money to make up for my wife having her salary cut in half when she went part time in order to stay home with the kids more. I will have to file bankruptcy and will probably get cancer. Come on, God. WE stepped out on faith and trusted YOU to take care of us. Why are YOU bringing this change again on me. Haven't I suffered enough?

Wait a minute... Why am I freaking out? Is it because I am a pessimist or because I lack sufficient faith? Maybe. Maybe it is my stubborness to try to know and do what is best for me while forgetting to do what IS best for me, but what is that? My boss leaving (all of them) caught me by surprise but they never caught God off guard. If I truly had faith, I would remember that every time that a boss has left, it eventually resulted in something good for me. When my first boss left, it got me out of a strained relationship with him. When my second boss left, it propted me to go back to school and finish my degree. When my third boss left, it resulted in getting a cool project and promotion from the new guy. AND when he left, I was able to branch out and grow and work on even more interesting projects. Now it is a wait and see game with this one leaving.

Maybe if I had real faith, I would remember that God said that he takes care of the sparrows, and that if he takes care of them, how much more will he take care of me. The fact of the matter is that I don't have the big picture in mind. Even if I could, I don't think that I would want it. God has ordained all things to point to His Glory. Maybe, just maybe, God is taking care of me through this as well and that this was part of his plan for me all along. You think? 2 out of the 5 don't believe in the God of the Universe. I have been able to share my faith with them in a real way by admitting who I was and who I am now. I was once a hopeless sinner with too many flaws to mention in desperate need of Grace. Now after Jesus got ahold of me, I am a hopeless sinner with many flaws in desperate need of Grace. I am not perfect or holy, but the one that took my sins and flaws and nailed them to the cross accepts me as I am. No longer with anger or judgement, but Grace and forgiveness. He has promised me that this life will be tough, but boy oh boy, will it get good someday.

Maybe, and just maybe, I should relax.

Till next time...
J

Life is Good