What is cooler than riding in a Ferrari convertable...

going 120mph to a local Mexican restaurant for lunch? When you get to do it and discuss the GRACE of God with the driver and watching the wheels in his head turning and his eyes light up. This is a good day.

I AM NOT A NICE PERSON

For as long as I can remember, I have never thought of myself as a nice person. I mean, I don't break any major laws or try to harm people, but in general, I am a moody guy that likes to get my own way. If I don't, then I can be difficult to live with.

The cool thing is that I have a lot of friends (and I mean really good ones) and a family that really love me. I have a job that rewards me by promoting me. However, I cannot shake this underlying feeling that I don't have anything to really offer anyone. I have the fear that if people knew the real me then they wouldn't like who I am, or worse yet, reject me. The weird thing is that I am pretty much myself all the time. What you see is what you get, or is it? I would hope so, but I am not even sure if I know the real me.

Now, I can't say that the relationships that I have are unconditional. I mean, I am sure that the people that I mentioned above love me unconditionally, but if I stopped being the me that they love, I don't know what would happen. I don't think that they would quit loving me, but if I became a real jerk (like the kind of jerks we talk about and we avoid), I would probably be avoided.

Now, as I understand it, God loves me unconditionally just as I am. I can't help but thinking that this relationship is the same as all other relationships in this life. The kicker is that I feel His love more abundantly when I am completely empty inside. When I am by myself with my thoughts and I stand before Him with empty hands, a broken heart, and a feeling that I have let Him down, that is when I feel Him tug me closer to Him. This has never come from my following a set of rules, by being religious, or by trying to perform so that I can somehow please God into shining more light on me. The light has always been the brightest when I have been at the bottom of the darkest holes of my own doing, when I have finally thrown down my defenses and said, "here I am. I am empty."

Till next time...
J

Foggy Mind

Work to do, deadlines to hit, meetings to plan, plans to execute, tasks to complete, promotions to grab, concepts to grasp, grades to make, holes to dig, holes to fill, beds to weed, family to visit, friends to see, baths to give, kids to feed, calls to make, papers to file, parts to ship, subjects to examine, teachers to meet, travel to go, dinners to eat, bills to pay, money to send, grass to cut, fence to mend, lights to replace, songs to learn, friends to help, victims to serve, pets to feed, clothes to iron, problems to solve, questions to answer, inventions to record, bottomlines to meet, emails to write, doctors to visit, clothes to wash, vacations to take, futures to plan, hairs to cut, appointments to schedule, teeth to drill, blood to test, books to read, lessons to learn, time to kill, bosses to please, organizations to form, classes to teach, fires to quench, self to die, planes to catch, bugs to kill, kids to play, rooms to clean, wounds to heal, bed to sleep, weight to lose, muscle to build, oil to change, doors to open, tanks to fill, nails to trim, trees to prune, dates to set, movies to see, races to run, thoughts to control, mind to clear, tongue to tame, prayers to pray...

happy to be, happy to be, happy to be...

Can't shake the sickness and hurricane Katrina

You know, I thought that going to the gym and working out was so that I would feel better, have more energy and be a more productive citizen in society. So far, I seemed to be trimming up and catching every sickness known to man. First it was strepthroat now it is a cold. SHEESH! Ok, enough griping.

Found out today that I got a promotion at work. WOOO HOOO! I don't know the specifics just yet, but I am sure it is good news. Maybe things are looking up.

The other day, a friend stopped by my cube and said, "don't you find it amusing that people are taking the W stickers off of their cars?" When I replied that I hadn't noticed, she said, "oh yeah, I used to see them all the time, but now I only see a few." Well, I had been having a bad day so I replied that ultimately I didn't care. Then I said, "You know the thing that I think is sad? Is that people have politicized this whole thing. There are real people with real hurts and devistation and politicians want to blame Bush." Whether you like the man or not, he is not responsible for the hurricane or relief efforts. Mississippi and Alabama are not screaming that he didn't do enough because those states were prepared. Everyone knew the hurricane was coming. I know that there are those that didn't have a way to get out, but also don't blame Bush when there are school busses sitting in a parking lot. The fact of the matter is that the hurricane hit and some people died and some lost everything. While this is sad, there is nothing that can be done about it at this time except to move forward.

After the president's speech the other night, there was a reporter for ABC interviewing hurricane victims in Texas. The man was trying every way to get the people he interviewed to bad mouth Bush. He seemed shocked whenever people were saying that they thought that Bush was doing everything to help. One woman even stated, "hey, I knew the hurricane was coming, I just ignored the warning and stayed." Finally someone willing to admit that they were the ones that messed up.

till next time...
J...

I HAVE BEEN ONE TRAVELING MERF

Man, from the looks of things you would swear that I am a world traveler, a real jet-setter.

Last Tuesday, I flew to Minneapolis and drove to Wisconsin. It was a pretty boring trip to meet with the vendor of a project that I have been working on. People in that part of the country just seem to do things differently. They were not in a hurry about ANYTHING!!! That is a little different than what I am used to here where I live where everything is "we needed it done yesterday." I would imagine that New York would probably say the same thing about us. It is kind of amusing because on my trip I was reading a book by Donald Miller called Through the Painted Dessert. It is about two guys that go on a trip from Houston to Oregon in an old VW van. They live out of their van on a budget of $5 per day and no deadlines. The main theme of the book is how we live our lives by deadlines and the pursuit of more money and rarely appreciate the simpler things in life. It gives me something to think about.

On my flight out Sunday night to Chicago, I met a guy while waiting to board the plane. He just looked at me and said, "I am going to Chicago to have fun."

I said, "Really, what are you going to be doing there?"

"I am going on the Jerry Springer Show! They had a limo pick me up in Hot Springs (that's in Arkansas) and flew me to Little Rock and then to Memphis. They have me a limo waiting for me when I get to Chicago to take me to the 5 star hotel."

I said, "Will you be fighting anyone?"

"Nah, I have two strippers fighting over me. They tried to get my buddy to go on because he is one of them crossdressers. I told him that I can't do that. It's all fake, you know?"

"That's nice. Where are you staying?"

"The 5 Star Hotel"

"Oh, ok." By this time I am thinking, well, I guess most people do have life goals. His parents must be proud. It was a very surreal conversation. I guess that my life goal of meeting someone that was going to be on the Jerry Springer Show has been completed.

Chicago was much better. I got to watch a surgery where the surgeon was using some implants that I had been working on. I didn't have really any exciting "Jerry Springer" encounters for the rest of the trip.

This time that I traveled was the hardest time for me. My daughter just cried when I told her I would be gone for a few days. She just wanted to stay with Daddy. My other daughter was sick and was a real handful for my wife. I was bothered that I couldn't be there to help her take care of the kids, and I missed her a lot. I guess my priorities are finally getting in the proper perspective. In the past, I would use long trips to do my own thing. This time I just wanted to get back home.

Now, I am back and it has been one hectic day. I got to sit through a deposition preparation meeting so that I can be deposed and know what to expect because my company is suing one of my former bosses. All of my frustrations with my current boss still continue. There just doesn't seem to be any relief on the horizon.

I guess my only option right now is to ride the storm and just wait for the calm.

till next time.

J...

My Labor Day...

Ok so I get my mower finally running. This is oneof those Craftsman mowers that were built sometime in the 1800's. Well, normally when you get off of a riding mower the mower stops or the blades do. Well, on this one it doesn't. So as I am putting the grass catcher on the mower, I hear and feel a thump and look down at my hand. I am bleeding!!!! After 4 hours in the emergency room. this is what it looked like:




That's 5 stitches!

man, what a stupid mistake.
The worst part of it was the waiting room at the minor emergency clinic for 4 hours. It was also about 40 degrees in there. I was getting very irritated for having to wait for so long. I had things to do and THEY were inconveniencing ME!! I still had to finish cutting the grass and then go to a cook out.

After I went back and they gave me the tetanus shot and the needle in the finger and the stitches, the room started spinning and going dark. I hadn't eaten anything substantial all day. so, I nearly pass out. But I didn't. While I was lying on the table and they were checking my blood pressure, I got to thinking.

1. I am very fortunate that I didn't loose the finger!

2. I have a home and a family to go back to.

My family and I spent Sunday afternoon with our church helping the victims of the hurricane. One couple in particular got out with their three daughters and the clothes on their back. They lost everything else. We, who didn't get hit by the hurricane, are very fortunate.

I have nothing to complain about.

J...

In loving memory of Katrina...

I have been watching the news pretty much constantly since the hurricane. One recurring statement that I have been hearing is something like this, "I can't believe this is the United States of America. How could this happen?" Now, I know that these people are tired, hungry, hot, wet, and scared. Given my heart felt compassion for these people, I would like to respond, "Why hasn't this happened yet?"

For the most part we have lived in a society with very little in the way of major natural disaters. I know there have been some, but the fact is that we were past due for something like this. I can't help but think, not why those people were devistated, but why weren't we hit with this type of disaster? Americans are not above the hand of God (by the way, God did create that hurricane. I don't know why, but I don't get a vote.)

It angers me to see the thieves stealing tennis shoes and TVs. People will always use disasters like this as a means to feed their greed. The gas companies are doing it. Hotels are doing it and they are no better than these thugs that are feeding their "I want, I want" brat that lives inside of them.

Locally, there are refugees that have flooded the hotels here near Memphis. A little league baseball tournament has been scheduled to be played and the hotels are actually meeting to what they need to do: kick the refugees out so that they can house the tournament people or let the refugees stay. Where is the decision in that????

All HAIL the mighty dollar. God forgive us.

J...