Compassionate Apathy

To whom it may concern,

Am I supposed to keep pursuing you when you don't seem to have time for me? Would an occasional call kill you to make? I have often thought that if you didn't exist my life would be easier, but for some reason I keep this feeling that your demise will cause me to feel guilt and regret. Oh sure, to those that aren't in my inner circle they don't think that it bothers me. That this is just part of my life. I try to keep this front up most of the time. I can't even be honest about my pain with some of my closests friends. I don't get the feeling that they would understand, and I don't want sympathy. There is a void in my heart without you. Yet, there is this building tidal wave of hate and disgust for you.

Part of me wants to embrace you and talk honestly with you so that we can heal these hurts. The other part of me wants to physically an psychologically hurt you. Every angry song that I have ever heard reminds me of you. Most of the time I think that it would be better if I had never met you, but then what would I have ever learned about myself?

Part of me has sympathy and compassion for you. The other part of me is cold and bitter because you have chosen this way of life. I keep searching for a definitive answer to help me, but there doesn't seem to be one except just deal with it and get on with my life.

Whatever the outcome, I just want a resolution. I am tired of this game where we have to pretend that we care about one another.

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