Noise

It seems that solitude is hard to come by. I used to think it was because we are so busy. There is television, music, movies, traffic noise, taking care of children, etc. I have grown to believe that finding solitude is so hard because generally I don't like it. I think that if I am too quite for too long, I won't like what I find out about myself. The only thing that I have when everything is quiet is my own thoughts. Since I am self-centered, I will end up thinking about myself and how truly great I am. Then again, it will always take a turn on how flawed, sinful, and neurotic that I am. I will obsess on my goodness or lack thereof.

I constantly walk the fine line of cynicism and realism. The cynic in me believes that people are basically worse than I thought they were. The realism in me knows that people are messed up, but sometimes do some really good things. I seem to obsess on how people have really pissed me off, or if they would just do things the way that I want them to be done then everything will be alright. Then I think of the people that I have truly wronged, things that I shouldn't have said, things that I should have said, things I should have done and things I shouldn't have.

I constantly read in to what others say and do, but get irritated when people read too much in to my actions and words.

I long for the day when I can just be silent so that I can hear the quiet. So that I can feel serine and know that everything is going to be alright.

till next time... whenever that is.