A NOT SO UNASSUMING GUY

A LIGHTBULB HAS GONE OFF

2008-07-08T15:48:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I am annoyed by most things.

A few examples:

"Golfers" who greet each other with "How's your game?" I am a guitarist and when I see other guitarists I don't ask, "How's your licks?"
"Cute" people
People who can't think
People who think they know what is good for you.

This doesn't even scratch the surface.

I Blog... So what?

2008-04-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today about how I don't post to this thing much, and I feel weird about it sometimes. I feel weird that I am not following through with something that I started. However, I keep coming back to the basic idea of "So what?"

I started this thing just to vent. Then I got hooked up with the guys over at Steve Brown, Etc. and it was sort of a community thing. Then I told some friends about it and they read it sometimes, but then I was in a dilemma because I said something here that a friend took out of context. It cause him to question me about it. Then I got defensive about it. I thought, "well, I will just becareful about what I write on here." However, what's the point? If I can't be completely honest, then it defeats the pupose of why I started this to begin with. So, I started writing less and less, and now I might update it once or twice a year. I don't even think the SBE people are reading it anymore.

I tried to make some of the posts something spiritual, but I am not that insightful. Some of the posts I started writing, I ended up stopping because I was just trying to prove that I was more correct than other people (all of this on a blog that no one reads). Who cares if I am right or wrong? What does it prove?

I thought about taking this one down and then creating another one, but not much of a point in taking an obscure blog and making it completely anonymous.

If you have a blog that people read more power to you. I just haven't figured out the point in keeping this updated. (I guess it is bad enough that I write a post on how I don't keep a blog updated to people that aren't reading it anyway. HA!) Knowing me, since I have decided not to care, I will probably find more to write about.

Till next time (if)
J...

Coporate Red-tape and the Art of Incompetence.

2008-03-04T12:47:00.000-06:00

Wow. I didn't realize that it had been over 6 months since I have written in this thing. I have been busy with a new process at my place of employment for the past year that has kept me preoccupied. This process is to control the way that my department documents the projects that we work on. I, along with a co-worker, wrote this process to make sure that my department is compliant with all of corporate's bureaucracy as well as all of the government agencies that we deal with. Ok, fair enough. However, when writing this document and going through all of the scenarios that I could foresee, I was pretty confident that this process would be more cumbersome than what we were currently doing, but still do-able based on our business model.

Well, I should have, but didn't, consider the human factor. I am amazed sometimes at the people that are hired to do the jobs that they are hired to do. It makes me wonder sometimes if some people are hired just t0 fill a cubicle, or office, that would otherwise be empty. Here is what I mean...

The purpose of our document is to be able to defend the design of a part in a corporate or governmental audit. I believe that in the business that I am in some extra precautions are needed, and that designs should have the proper considerations and justifications for function and safety. I can defend that with any good design. What I can't defend are the questions that I get from internal "team" members. Here are a few situations where I have been made speechless.

When showing what effect a that adding a feature to an existing part, I made a calculation using a the formula for a moment of intertia on the cross-section of a cylinder. This formula can be found in any physics text book, in any industry reference manuals, and on the internet (if you search for "list of all formulas that anyone can use". Lilo (the person that I am referring to in this posting) disagreed with the accuracy of the formula. NOT the calculations, NOT the reason I chose it, BUT the formula itself. When I started explaining it, it was like explaining The Theory of Relativity to Forrest Gump.
When explaining the changes made to a part, Lilo asked, "you mean these aren't exactly like the ones we currently sell?" Since our department is a specials department where our whole business model is that we take standard parts and modify them to customers' requests, and she has been "supporting" our department for 3-4 year, you would think that she might have bought a clue along the way.
I have been asked to change the wording that describes how reference documents are placed in our design history files (e.g. "Don't put, 'reference attached documents'. Put, 'see attached documents.') This sounds minor, but things like this will keep Lilo from signing the right forms so that we can actually sell the parts.
On one occasion, she was making a point on how something HAD to be done, I was reiterrating the point, and she argued with me that "it couldn't be done that way". After I explained that I was agreeing with her, she still said that it couldn't be done that way.

There are many more, but I am getting tired of listing them. Maybe I will save them for a future blog entry.

Till next time, whenever that is, peace.

I Got Tagged - 7 Random Things

2007-07-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

tag, i'm it!

The rules: each player should list seven random facts about themselves on their blog as well as the rules to this little game. At the end of their post, they need to tag seven people. Let those folks know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I notice odd things about people almost immediately (like habits, tics, etc).
2. Even though 99.9% of the population pronounce the name of the 2nd month of the year as "FEB-U-ARY", I say "Feb-Ru-ary" (even though it is awkward) just to be right.
3. I am over analytical sometimes almost to the point of paranoia.
4. I sometimes stare at my computer for hours when I should be working.
5. I prefer mom-and-pop-hole-in-the-wall restaurants to chain restaurants.
6. If I call someone because I haven't talked to them in awhile, I always try to call when I know they won't be home so I can leave a message and not have the awkward conversation of "I haven't heard from you in awhile."
7. I bounce my legs constantly when sitting still.

I don't know if I will tag 7 people. I don't know that many with blogs.

OK, I lied.

2007-06-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

I had originally said in my last post that I would post more about the trip to New York. However, a new annoyance has gotten my attention.

First some background.

I work in a cube farm. Basically if you have seen the movie Office Space, you have an idea of where I work. One minor difference is that I work in a "U" shaped area that allows some of us fortunate enough to have a negative level of privacy to see one another and get pulled in to every conversation whether we want to or not. Case in point. This is an actual conversation that took place a couple of weeks ago among my female coworkers.

Debbie: (to Janet) "What did you do for lunch? I got the pizza from downstairs, but I told them no red sauce."

Janet: "I got the pizza, too. It was fast and quick. The other day I got the manicotti with cream sauce. Did I tell you about the recipe from Woman's Day on a low fat cream sauce?"

Debbie: "No, but send that over when you get a chance. I told the guy downstairs, 'no, red sauce on my pizza'. He started to put it on there anyway to mess with me, but then he didn't put the red sauce on the pizza."

Janet: "You don't eat red sauce on pizza?"

Debbie: "I don't like red sauce. I get cheese, onion, bell peppers, sometimes I get pepperoni, but I don't like red sauce, so I tell them no red sauce on my pizza. At first they thought that I was weird, but now they know that is what I like. That is why I don't go to other pizza places because they put too much red sauce on the pizza, and I don't like red sauce. A little is ok, but too much red sauce is gross. Did you send me the recipe for the all watermelon fruit salad? I tried the fruit salad recipe that you sent to me that had all of the raisins in it."

Janet: "no, but I will."

Debbie: "The pizza was good today because he didn't put red sauce on it. He started to, just to mess with me, but then didn't do it. He is funny like that."

At this point, I am about to bust a spring. Then I am pulled into the conversation.

Debbie: (to me) "What did you have for lunch today? I had pizza from downstairs."

Me: "Did you have the red sauce on it?" (I couldn't resist).

Debbie: "Nope, I don't like red sauce."

Me: "Do you like marinara sauce?" (logical follow up)

Debbie: no answer

This is just one of the conversations that permeate my week as I am trying to work (or blog). Other topics include, but are not limited to: karaoke, hair cuts, hair styles, shoes, pedicures, manicures, sandals, shoes, skirts, why don't we have jeans day at our company.

Maybe when the time comes I will fill you in on the rest of it.

However, these exchanges made me wonder, "what do I do that annoys people? What conversations do I go on and on about that just drives people up the wall?" And then I realized that there aren't any because I am perfect (and I am 6' 3", 185 lbs, and play guitar like Eddie Van Halen).

Not much of an insight to this post. It amused me and after all that is what this blog is about. ME, baby, ME.

Peace out and God bless the hell out of everyone of you.

J

Start Spreadin' The NOOOOOOZE

2007-05-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we have this trip planned since Christmas for a trip to New York City to see the New York Yankees. I am not much on baseball, but I figured it would be a good excuse to go up to the Big Apple and hang out in Manhattan for a few hours, eat some good food, maybe take in a few sites, but some of the fake designer purses, and then go to the game. So, I decided to go with my father-in-law, my wife's uncle and his 2 sons, and a friend of the family.

My wife's cousin planned the trip. We had the flights, hotel, and game tickets booked. Thursday night before we were to leave the next morning for our 6 a.m. flight to NY, someone actually looked at the tickets. Guess what.... Yep, the tickets were for the wrong day. We were planning on being in the city for May 4th and fly out on the 5th. My wife's uncle then said, "well, we might as well not go if we can't go to the game. Why don't you see how much damage it will do to cancel the trip." Well, of course, I am thinking, "Hey, I didn't set up this mess. My intent was to go to New York and the game, if I don't get to go, then technically, I don't owe anything." Of course, I probably would have paid anyway to keep from starting a family war.

Well, we ended up finding out that it would be just as expensive to cancel the trip as it would be to go. So, we go online and find some tickets which were not as good as the ones that we were holding (behind homeplate). These were located somewhere near the top of the Empire State Building. BUT! We had tickets to the game. So now what with the existing tickets? Well, I tried to sell them on a 1 day auction on E-bay.

Ok, so now we are set. We decide to leave for the airport at 5 a.m. for our 6 a.m. flight, as my wife's cousin only lives about 10 minutes from the Nashville airport. Upon arriving at the airport, we discover that it may be the busiest day of the year for this place. My wife's cousin assured us that he had "never seen it this busy." We got checked in ok, but there was a little bit of a traffic jam at security. The lady standing at the main security gate said, there is less waiting around the corner. Yeah, by about 4 people. Now I have been on some tight schedules before at airports with security, but it usually isn't a big deal because you just run to the plane. Oh yeah, I forgot that 2 of my fellow travelers were rather large people that aren't running anywhere. Fortunately we were flying JetBlue which was kind enough to wait on us because they knew that we had checked in already. Everyone got on the plane without breaking a limb or having a major coronary.

The plane was very nice. I had never flown JetBlue, but was really impressed. There was plenty of leg room. The crew was very friendly. They also had Direct TV and XM radio on the flight at no charge.

We got into JFK airport at our scheduled time and after some direction were able to make it to our hotel room in one piece.

More to come on our day in Manhattan and all things NYC...

Till next time...
J.

Learning to live

2007-03-15T16:56:00.000-05:00

Man, the older I get more more I thought that things wouldn't bother me so much. I mean, I thought that little things like traffic idiots or running late for work would be something that I am used to.

This is not the case. What I believe has happened is that somethings that I used to care about slip away, but other things seem to be more important. I am finding that sometimes minor disagreements with people only seem minor on the surface. Then there is the whole other argument/conflict/struggle that is underneath that is really a BIG DEAL. However, when you try to explain to people what the struggle is about, it comes across as petty. Then you look like a petty jerk.

Then I start thinking that "maybe I am a petty jerk. Ok, I will just get over it. Ok, I am over it." Then when I am not looking, WHAM, another bit of pettiness arises and it starts all over again.

Then there are the times in my life when the conflict comes to the surface. A lot of things are said and done, and no real conclusion is reached, but for some reason I feel better. Then the pettiness just seems to go away. Maybe it turns into apathy. Maybe it turns into just not caring anymore because I have other things to fill my time with. I don't know.

So here's to pettiness and lack of resolve?

Two Movies and One Hit Wonders

2006-12-29T01:54:00.000-06:00

As I type this, I am watching the top 100 one-hit wonders. I guess this is the only thing that one can do after going to the movies and watching ROCKY BALBOA. This movie got mixed reviews. I should have known after Rocky V that this couldn't be a good movie. I am not going to mince words. This movie sucked. The dialogue was humorous at times. At times it was if Rocky, a semi-retarded old man, was trying to speak proverbs to the misguided people around him.

Earlier this week I took the wife and kids to Charlottes Web. It was a good kid's/family movie. That is until the end when of course Charlotte dies. My 7 year old just broke down in the theater and cried. She has seen the animated version and knew what to expect. She just has a very tender heart. But this got me to thinking... why do most kids' movies involve someone or something dying? What are storytellers trying to prove? If anyone actually reads this blog, please help explain this to me.

Well, I am just rambling at 2 a.m. I am going to bed.

Later...

Not much to say

2006-11-17T10:49:00.000-06:00

It seems that I don't have much to say lately or I am just finding other ways to say it. I did have a good exchange with a friend the other day. At church we have been talking about how it is impossible to come to faith in Christ without being changed. It caused me to think about it for awhile. I came to the conclusion that Christ changes what we are but not who we are. Then again maybe that is just semantics. I don't know. Sometimes I wish that he would change who I am. It is those times when I am not feeling very good about who I am. It all goes back to the reoccuring struggle within.

Anyway... You have to keep moving.

Later... J.

Noise

2006-08-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

It seems that solitude is hard to come by. I used to think it was because we are so busy. There is television, music, movies, traffic noise, taking care of children, etc. I have grown to believe that finding solitude is so hard because generally I don't like it. I think that if I am too quite for too long, I won't like what I find out about myself. The only thing that I have when everything is quiet is my own thoughts. Since I am self-centered, I will end up thinking about myself and how truly great I am. Then again, it will always take a turn on how flawed, sinful, and neurotic that I am. I will obsess on my goodness or lack thereof.

I constantly walk the fine line of cynicism and realism. The cynic in me believes that people are basically worse than I thought they were. The realism in me knows that people are messed up, but sometimes do some really good things. I seem to obsess on how people have really pissed me off, or if they would just do things the way that I want them to be done then everything will be alright. Then I think of the people that I have truly wronged, things that I shouldn't have said, things that I should have said, things I should have done and things I shouldn't have.

I constantly read in to what others say and do, but get irritated when people read too much in to my actions and words.

I long for the day when I can just be silent so that I can hear the quiet. So that I can feel serine and know that everything is going to be alright.

till next time... whenever that is.

Early Morning Drive Haiku

2006-06-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

Pentecostal girl
Driving slow in front of me
Denim is your style

Compassionate Apathy

2006-04-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

To whom it may concern,

Am I supposed to keep pursuing you when you don't seem to have time for me? Would an occasional call kill you to make? I have often thought that if you didn't exist my life would be easier, but for some reason I keep this feeling that your demise will cause me to feel guilt and regret. Oh sure, to those that aren't in my inner circle they don't think that it bothers me. That this is just part of my life. I try to keep this front up most of the time. I can't even be honest about my pain with some of my closests friends. I don't get the feeling that they would understand, and I don't want sympathy. There is a void in my heart without you. Yet, there is this building tidal wave of hate and disgust for you.

Part of me wants to embrace you and talk honestly with you so that we can heal these hurts. The other part of me wants to physically an psychologically hurt you. Every angry song that I have ever heard reminds me of you. Most of the time I think that it would be better if I had never met you, but then what would I have ever learned about myself?

Part of me has sympathy and compassion for you. The other part of me is cold and bitter because you have chosen this way of life. I keep searching for a definitive answer to help me, but there doesn't seem to be one except just deal with it and get on with my life.

Whatever the outcome, I just want a resolution. I am tired of this game where we have to pretend that we care about one another.

...

I have either been to see Night Ranger or I've had the Flu

2006-03-12T12:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it all started Tuesday evening. I had a nagging cough building in my chest. I thought that it might be sinus/allergy related since the Mempis area is the worst place in the country to live if you have those types of problems. I mean it is 33 degrees and rainy one day and the next it will be 75 and sunny.

Anyway, I didn't pay much attention to the slight congestion because it happens about 20 times a year. The next morning I wake up and am not feeling too chipper, but figured that I would feel better once I got to work and got my day going. WRONG!!! Still thinking that it was sinus related, I figured that I could cut out early, go home and rest and feel 100% the next day. WRONG!!!! Went home slept for 3 hours woke up feeling worse. Went to bed after doing my mom's taxes. Woke up in the middle of the night freezing with my head feeling like it was going to crack open. Uh-oh. FEVER! Now I knew that I had to go to the doctor the next morning. Ok, no big deal. Except that by the time that I get to the doctor, I can barely keep my eyes open. My wife works there so, I know a few people. Some of them come out and say,"man, you look bad." The triage lady told me that she was going to have the lab run a "flu test" on me. Well, it comes back positive. So they give me some of the best flu meds in the world and I figure that the worst is past. WRONG!!!

Thursday was nothing but a blur. I remember taking some cough medicine that I had gotten from the doc. Now to say that this stuff tasted bad is, in fact, an understatement. It takes like a cross between tang, crushed spree candy, and potted meat. Yes, potted meat. That has been the missing ingredient in so many good cough syrups. Anyway... I finally fell asleep (coma) at about 2 on Thursday afternoon. I would wake just long enough to hear voices (in my head or in my house I didn't care) and have the feeling that I had been in a house fire and had somehow survived by eating glass. This is all from the feeling of my throat and lungs (that I am sure are about to collapse at any moment).

Now, it is Sunday morning. I missed church as well as everything else that I was supposed to do this weekend. Oh well. Oh yeah, about the Night Ranger comment, evidently, I had some notion somewhere that I was supposed to go to St. Louis to see Night Ranger in concert. I have no idea where that came from unless it was fever induced dilerium.

"BUM BUM BUM BUMBUMBUM. MOTORIN'... WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT.... IN FINDING MR. RIGHT? DA DA DA SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING OR SOMETHING ELSE."

Peace out (hack, snort, cough, yakkk)

Jeff

Snow and Ice

2006-02-20T10:43:00.000-06:00

Well, I am finally recovered from the Florida trip. It is NOT a restful vacation. It was fun to go and watch my daughter just light up whenever she met one of the princesses. It was a tiring and fulfilling trip.

I got to meet Erik from the ETC show in iTunes. He brought his family and some of the other people from the show (Matt and Andrew). It was just a great time. Ususally when I meet people for the first time, there is that sense that I need to be on my best behavior and just be careful about being me. Not this time, it was like I was reuniting with some old friends. The evening was just comfortable and enjoyable. I can't wait to do it again.

It snowed in Memphis while we were gone. I hate that I missed it. I love to play in the snow with my oldest. It is just a blast. However this past weekend, we had ice all over the ground. It was nothing but freezing rain and sleet for about 15 hours. Part of it melted on Saturday, but refroze because the temperature got down to 15 degrees on Saturday night. I just pretty much stayed in all weekend.

I am reading a new book. I am so ADD that I just can't read one at a time. This one is called Bad News Religion. It is the story of a guy that came out of a legalistic cult to fully embrace the message of God's grace. It has been interesting to read his take on legalism and the various masked forms that it comes in. I truly agree with his statement that all forms of legalism are an offense to God's grace.

Till next time.
J

Florida Bound

2006-02-07T11:45:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am out of here. I am heading to Orlando tomorrow with my wife and oldest daughter. We are going to Disneyworld, but I didn't win the Superbowl (ok that was stupid). While, I am down there I am going to hook up with some people from PINGETC (check out the link). I am looking forward to the whole trip. Meeting new people, but most importantly hanging out with my family.

I have a current pet peeve. Ok, so I have a lot of them, but this one has been sticking in my head for a few days. My father-in-law has been coming to church with us and investigating his purpose in life. He is also wondering a lot about God. We have had some great conversations. Ok, so my approach to that is to be honest with him and to allow God to move in his life if that is His desire. Why is it that a person is investigating the faith, some people move in on them and start bombarding them with information that is not even THAT important. Some (and I have been guilty of this too), immediately give the impression that you have to have everything worked out (by this I mean, hold the same views that they do) and you need to get saved before it is too late. There is this whole pressure thing. We push and debate and pound with things that are secondary to the faith. In my experience, it pushing people has done exactly that, pushed them away.

Why can't we tell people the plain truth? God expects perfection. We don't measure up to it. We never will measure up to it, but because He loves us so much, he has provided perfection for us in Jesus? In order for that perfection to apply to us, we have to respond to what he is calling us to do. Repent (by that I mean change our minds about who we are, how we live, and who God is) and follow. That's it. It is not about saying the right prayer or having the right views of baptism, or eschatology, or the Lord's supper. We cannot discipline ourselves into a relationship with God. We cannot force people to come to Christ through saying a prayer (no matter how sincere we are in our heart we are when we say it. no matter how many tears we shed when we do). I know that our motives are good and I don't blame people for trying. I just think that we need to sometimes wait for God to move people instead of trying to move people for God.

J...

I'm Back

2006-01-12T13:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I have been away from the whole blogging thing for awhile and have had more than one person ask me, "hey, why don't you blog anymore?"

Well, it is for a couple of reasons:

I have had a couple of posts that have offended people that know me. Either I didn't explain something completely or a statement was taken in a way that it wasn't meant to be taken. So, after that when I would go to write, I found a tendency to edit myself instead of just writing what I think for fear of offending someone.
I haven't had much to say that I haven't said in previous posts.

ok, quick update:

I have taken a new position in my company. The boss that I ended up with last year evidently had an opinion of me when he came in. It wasn't based on his knowledge of my capabilities, but instead on a knowledge of my lack of an engineering degree. Anyway, it was made clear to me that, under him, I would only go so far, but that my job would remain hopelessly boring. I had to split.

I have been in my new job for a week and so far, it is great. My boss is actually a friend of mine. I used to be concerned that might cause a problem, but I don't think that it will. He and I have been friends for along time. We know each other pretty well and I think that we know what to expect from each other. It looks pretty bright from here.

I don't really have any new year resolutions except maybe to read at least 20 books.

Anyway, here is to a happy new year and please if I say something that offends you on this blog, just reply to me on the blog. I am not always thinking as I type and I don't mean to offend anyone. But I probably will.

till next time... Jigs

Confusion about my last post

2005-11-29T09:17:00.000-06:00

Evidently there was some confusion about my last post. follow the link above and maybe you'll get a better idea about what I was getting at. It was more of a tongue-in-cheek commentary on their commentaries.

I have a quarterly review today at my job. I have been asked to think about what I want to do in the company. the problem is that I have no idea except that I want to manage people. I think that I have strengths in this area. I am nervous about the whole thing. I think it is because I generally think that there is a hidden agenda and an underlying conversation whenever there is a conversation or meeting taking place. I know that this sounds sick, but that is just where I am lately. I am pretty cautious of people in general.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. There has been a stirring deep in my being that I can't put my finger on. I feel like there are some questions that I need to be answering, but I don't know what the questions are. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately as to who I really am and what makes me the way that I am. The thing about it is that I know by my actions that I am totally consumed with self, but I generally don't like myself. People carry around a lot of baggage of thier past, and I am no different. The key is to unload those bags, but when you don't know what is in those bags, it makes you hold on to them for fear that you may unload something that you find comfort in, no matter how messed up it is. What is it that I want out of life? Maybe that is why I am having trouble figuring out what I want to do with my job. Do I want to settle for general success and play it safe or throw caution to the wind and really take chances? There is a lot to be said for security especially when a family is involved.

I guess I will just keep reading, praying, and searching until I can answer some of the questions or can be comfortable not knowing the answers.

J...

These Christians Hate Everyone

2005-11-09T13:52:00.000-06:00

I guess that I will have to throw away all of my "Christian" books.

I am going to stockpile some high powered guns, break out the KJV Bible, and mix up some Kool-Aid.

Anyone want to join?

By the way, if you are reading this, you are a heretic.

till next time...

J...

My own cheering section!

2005-11-03T09:51:00.000-06:00

I woke up late this morning. It is just too easy to stay in bed when there is a chill in the house. This was a pretty normal morning with the exception that my wife is going out of town for an overnight trip. Our oldest daughter is going to spend the night with grandma and grandpa because I probably couldn't get it together in the morning to get her dressed, her hair fixed just right and get her to school on time. So, I wimp out by pawning her off on the reliable grandparents.

This morning I did something that I have never done. After my oldest and I did our ritual affection before she goes to her class, I stood in the foyer of the school and watched her head off to class until I couldn't see her anymore. I watched her maneuver her way through the crowd of kids that were coming in the opposite directions. She just kept her head down and cut and jagged through the crowd like a pro. She was a girl on a mission determined to get to her destination before the bell rang. I thought back just to a couple of months ago and how she had such a hard time letting me go, and how she has changed. I thought about the slide that she was afraid of going down just 6 months ago and how she went down the same type of slide the other night a half dozen times. She's growing and getting braver. My little girl is growing and becoming more independent. It makes me proud and sad at the same time.

I remember thinking along time ago, "I will be glad when she can do things for herself and I won't have to watch over her and do for her so much." Now that it is coming and I can compare it to the needs of our youngest, it is a little tough to swallow. I was gone for so much of my oldest's first two years that I barely remember holding and loving and playing with her. Maybe that is why I want to hug and kiss her so much now. Maybe that is why when she wants to sleep in mommy and daddy's room, I am so quick to let her. Maybe that is why when I look at her sometimes I feel a haunting sadness that I can't explain.

When I look at my kids, I am astonished how there are fathers and mothers out there that can just walk away and leave their kids. I understand that life is tough and sometimes we are just needing to have some alone time from the family, but my family brings me more joy that I can explain. Sure it is tough sometimes, but there is safety there. When everything else sucks, I know that I can go home and see the very ones that love me unconditionally and don't care how much money I have or don't have. They don't care if I lost the 20lbs or gained 50. They don't care what kind of car I drive or clothes that I wear. The don't care about the degrees on my wall or patents that I hold or honors that I have received or the promotions that I got. They just know that daddy is home and that is all that matters.

I have my own cheering section.

Till next time...
J...

And yet again...

2005-11-01T10:02:00.000-06:00

Last night was Halloween. Our church had a carnival in our neighborhood and it was really cool. Bouncy things for the kids, and hotdogs and candy for everyone. I then took my oldest around the neighborhood where she spent an hour and a half collecting about 20 lbs of candy. It was a good night. Cold weather is setting in here and evidently it is making me tired or I am getting sick again. Man, I hope not. I just crashed last night after taking my daughter around to beg candy from people and woke up tired this morning. I can't shake it. Maybe it is a sugar coma from sneaking some candy.

Speaking of Halloween and churches. I am really happy that our church doesn't give in and do a "Fall Fesitval" or a "trunk or treat" (what is that anyway, either give me a treat or I am going to lock you in a trunk? I had a conversation with a friend who doesn't allow her kids to go trick or treating yesterday because she was raised to believe that Halloween was evil. She said that she was opposed to the whole Druid tradition of the holiday. I got to thinking that when I was a kid Halloween only meant one thing and that was candy. I certainly wasn't thinking about what the druids did. Heck, I didn't even know who the druids were or that they even existed. I doubt that when a 6 year old is dressing as Kim Possible, one of the Disney Princesses, Spider-Man or whatever that they are thinking of ancient rituals of the Druids? But back to the church activities... Along time ago (I think in the 80's), churches came out against Halloween and how evil it is and that if you let your kids partake in this holiday, you are, in fact, encouraging them to become Satanists. However, they realized that they had to offer an alternative so they started these autum festivals where kids could dress up and play games and get candy, but IT IS NOT HALLOWEEN!!!! See, with Halloween you get to dress up and get candy which is a far cry from dressing up and getting candy at an Autum Festival. At this point I wonder, if it looks like, walks like, and quacks like a duck, doesn't that make it a duck? Or a pumkin by any other name is a pumpkin.

Why does the church feel the need to offer an alternative to "pagan activities"? Whatever happened to offering the world the good news of the Savior and the full life that we can live in Him?

Later...

It's been awhile

2005-10-25T15:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been the better half of a month since I have posted. I have just been so ^##*&*&% busy, that I haven't had the time. When I had the time, I was sick. I started writing something the other night, but in the middle of it just said, "what's the point." Sometimes I feel that I have so much to say, but when I start typing it comes out as just mindless rambling. Who wants to read that? Who wants to read any of it?

After 2 months of sickness in the family, I had a flip out the other night. I was washing most of my work clothes for the week, and when I got them out of the dryer, there was ink spots over everything. Evidently, I had missed a pen in my pocket. It was a good one, too. I mean it was one of those that you get at the local drug store, but the ink wasn't coming out of anything. GREAT! My wife suggested that I go to the store and buy some alcohol because that had gotten? the ink out of some other clothes that I had washed (see a pattern here)? Well, I got into my truck and sped off to the local Walgreens (they have everything). On the way, I couldn't take it anymore so I thought that I would rant and rave to God. Oh yeah, it was a pretty good rant, too. I told Him how I didn't understand why all of this was happening to me. Afterall, I had been faithful in serving the church, giving, etc. etc. I asked Him, "when is it going to be my turn for things to go my way." I was mad as hell and wasn't taking it anymore. Later on, after I calmed down (next morning), I thought about it and then thought that he must have gotten a pretty good laugh out of me. Then I, got a pretty good laugh out of it. I was reminded that there is food in the house and that I could afford to go and get new clothes without any financial set back. Everyone in the house was now healthy and my youngest daughter just turned 1.

Moral of the story? I don't know, but maybe it is: don't go demanding answers from God when using self-righteousness as an argument.

All in all, it is a good life. Other than having a petty boss, but that is a different story.

Later...
J

What is cooler than riding in a Ferrari convertable...

2005-09-30T13:29:00.000-05:00

going 120mph to a local Mexican restaurant for lunch? When you get to do it and discuss the GRACE of God with the driver and watching the wheels in his head turning and his eyes light up. This is a good day.

I AM NOT A NICE PERSON

2005-09-27T09:22:00.000-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I have never thought of myself as a nice person. I mean, I don't break any major laws or try to harm people, but in general, I am a moody guy that likes to get my own way. If I don't, then I can be difficult to live with.

The cool thing is that I have a lot of friends (and I mean really good ones) and a family that really love me. I have a job that rewards me by promoting me. However, I cannot shake this underlying feeling that I don't have anything to really offer anyone. I have the fear that if people knew the real me then they wouldn't like who I am, or worse yet, reject me. The weird thing is that I am pretty much myself all the time. What you see is what you get, or is it? I would hope so, but I am not even sure if I know the real me.

Now, I can't say that the relationships that I have are unconditional. I mean, I am sure that the people that I mentioned above love me unconditionally, but if I stopped being the me that they love, I don't know what would happen. I don't think that they would quit loving me, but if I became a real jerk (like the kind of jerks we talk about and we avoid), I would probably be avoided.

Now, as I understand it, God loves me unconditionally just as I am. I can't help but thinking that this relationship is the same as all other relationships in this life. The kicker is that I feel His love more abundantly when I am completely empty inside. When I am by myself with my thoughts and I stand before Him with empty hands, a broken heart, and a feeling that I have let Him down, that is when I feel Him tug me closer to Him. This has never come from my following a set of rules, by being religious, or by trying to perform so that I can somehow please God into shining more light on me. The light has always been the brightest when I have been at the bottom of the darkest holes of my own doing, when I have finally thrown down my defenses and said, "here I am. I am empty."

Till next time...
J

Foggy Mind

2005-09-22T10:55:00.000-05:00

Work to do, deadlines to hit, meetings to plan, plans to execute, tasks to complete, promotions to grab, concepts to grasp, grades to make, holes to dig, holes to fill, beds to weed, family to visit, friends to see, baths to give, kids to feed, calls to make, papers to file, parts to ship, subjects to examine, teachers to meet, travel to go, dinners to eat, bills to pay, money to send, grass to cut, fence to mend, lights to replace, songs to learn, friends to help, victims to serve, pets to feed, clothes to iron, problems to solve, questions to answer, inventions to record, bottomlines to meet, emails to write, doctors to visit, clothes to wash, vacations to take, futures to plan, hairs to cut, appointments to schedule, teeth to drill, blood to test, books to read, lessons to learn, time to kill, bosses to please, organizations to form, classes to teach, fires to quench, self to die, planes to catch, bugs to kill, kids to play, rooms to clean, wounds to heal, bed to sleep, weight to lose, muscle to build, oil to change, doors to open, tanks to fill, nails to trim, trees to prune, dates to set, movies to see, races to run, thoughts to control, mind to clear, tongue to tame, prayers to pray...

happy to be, happy to be, happy to be...

Can't shake the sickness and hurricane Katrina

2005-09-19T10:15:00.000-05:00

You know, I thought that going to the gym and working out was so that I would feel better, have more energy and be a more productive citizen in society. So far, I seemed to be trimming up and catching every sickness known to man. First it was strepthroat now it is a cold. SHEESH! Ok, enough griping.

Found out today that I got a promotion at work. WOOO HOOO! I don't know the specifics just yet, but I am sure it is good news. Maybe things are looking up.

The other day, a friend stopped by my cube and said, "don't you find it amusing that people are taking the W stickers off of their cars?" When I replied that I hadn't noticed, she said, "oh yeah, I used to see them all the time, but now I only see a few." Well, I had been having a bad day so I replied that ultimately I didn't care. Then I said, "You know the thing that I think is sad? Is that people have politicized this whole thing. There are real people with real hurts and devistation and politicians want to blame Bush." Whether you like the man or not, he is not responsible for the hurricane or relief efforts. Mississippi and Alabama are not screaming that he didn't do enough because those states were prepared. Everyone knew the hurricane was coming. I know that there are those that didn't have a way to get out, but also don't blame Bush when there are school busses sitting in a parking lot. The fact of the matter is that the hurricane hit and some people died and some lost everything. While this is sad, there is nothing that can be done about it at this time except to move forward.

After the president's speech the other night, there was a reporter for ABC interviewing hurricane victims in Texas. The man was trying every way to get the people he interviewed to bad mouth Bush. He seemed shocked whenever people were saying that they thought that Bush was doing everything to help. One woman even stated, "hey, I knew the hurricane was coming, I just ignored the warning and stayed." Finally someone willing to admit that they were the ones that messed up.

till next time...
J...